That stupid cow Louise

Remember how last time I showed you how polite I was at the start of the blue spiral-bound diary? With all of the Please do not read etc in calligraphy etc?

Yeah, well that did not last!

In May 1992, I was eleven years old, and what I’m sharing with you today is the first big ‘event’ that I ever wrote about in my diary. In fact, in any diary.

At this age I was still in primary school (or Juniors, as we called it), and a big part of the social system in my class of about 14 girls (the boys didn’t care) revolved around who was best friends with who. We all had to be in pairs — obviously — or the whole system would collapse.

And there was a kind of ‘golden couple’, two girls who’d been best friends for the longest, and who seemed to be really solid. Until… they weren’t, and they had a falling out. I really wish I’d written about why they’d fallen out; alas I did not.

What I did write about were the intricacies of how we all had to rearrange ourselves into new pairs to accommodate this upheaval, and that’s what this issue is all about.

I’m calling those first two girls Kelly and Gemma. In fact, I’ve renamed everyone in this saga because I don’t know them anymore, so that seems fair. Thanks to those of you who responded to my call-out on social media for ideas for 90s names; Kelly, Louise and Gemma were popular choices so I’ve used those as the main players. There were a couple of unusual name suggestions too, like Tiffany, Audra and Joey — I love each of these but they would add a sense of undeserved glamour to this situation (and also to Doncaster) (or at least my life in Doncaster in 1992).

The diary entries I’m sharing today are definitely funny, but as I’ve re-read them I’ve also sensed how they’re tinged, or maybe laced, with insecurity. Even though just 6 months ago I’d declared “I’m brill” in my other diary, between the lines of these entries there’s fear, and directly ON the lines, there’s anger.

I remember around this time one of these girls in my class — infact, it was Gemma — had said to me, in a kind of non-chalant way, “You don’t really have a hairstyle, do you?”

I mean… isn’t that a weird thing to say to someone?! I had shoulder-length hair with a fringe (bangs to US readers), and sometimes I wore one of those thick padded hairbands (which are back in fashion now, I believe) and sometimes I’d put my hair into a ponytail. That’s three hairstyles right there!

It’s interesting that I didn’t record her comment in my diary, but I’ve remembered it from time to time all these years later, like you do with some things. So I think we can blame Gemma for the perm I got a year later (photo in this post if you missed it).

The other thing I would have been contending with and figuring out at this age is that I’m pretty sure I was also the chubbiest in my class. In my memory all of these girls were slim, and while I wasn’t that big, I was aware of my body shape and already experiencing body anxiety, and with it, shame.

So. What I’m saying is, when I read over these entries I see how I was just trying to get into a pair, or stay in a pair, and be part of things. And sometimes that came out as anger, and sometimes I just wanted to get to bed early and focus on our upcoming school trip to the power station.

Anyway, let’s begin.

Sunday 10th May: “I’ve been trying to do a picture of my best friend”

So, at this point, the fall-out between power couple Kelly and Gemma has already happened, and it seems I’ve been allocated / snagged a new best friend, whose name I’ve scribbled out and who we’re calling Louise, and here I am, on a Sunday night, trying to draw her from memory. Is that a bit weird? It seems a bit weird.

Sadly, I don’t have the portrait now, nor do I remember what it looked like, but check out that almost throw-away line:

I need practice.

I think we all know exactly what that means: that portrait was shit.

Then:

And so the insecurity starts to come through: I’m really glad I’m Louise’s best friend, but is she? And does she still want to be that other girl’s best friend (who doesn’t appear again so let’s not bother renaming her)?

Oh well, I reason, I’ll just have to make her want to be my best friend.

Totally healthy behaviour, Teresa.

But also:

So before Louise and I became best friends, she’d been asking me who’s best friend I was. Sounds to me like she was at a loose end, hinting that she wanted to pair up so… I’m sure it’ll all be fine.

“Anyway, it is time I got to bed” : Yes, there’s me, age 11, putting myself to bed.

I have to say, I do remember I liked Louise, she had a quiet kindness about her.

(I know, the title of this post, and what I say next, suggests otherwise.)

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Monday 11th May: “That stupid cow Louise”

So this is where it starts to get a bit messy. I begin the day with Louise as my best friend, but then she decides she wants to be Gemma’s. The nerve. Yes, that Gemma, half of the power couple and accuser of people not having a hairstyle.

However, later that day Gemma ditches Louise for someone else! Ra ha ha. I am delighted.

And so I get a new best friend: Kelly. Oh yes indeed. The other half of the power couple. Check me out.

But, like a new bride living in the shadow of my groom’s previous wife (maybe I should have called Gemma ‘Rebecca’?) I’m a little uneasy about where Kelly’s affections really lie:

I’ve had to colour-code the names now, it was getting too confusing with just the one colour. It might still be confusing… the main colours to keep an eye on are:

PURPLE for Kelly — my new best friend

and YELLOW for Gemma — Kelly’s previous best friend

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Tuesday 12th May: “I think I am fooling myself”

Oh dear. So Gemma has confessed (to whom, a priest?) that she wants Kelly back, but Kelly is reassuring me it’s all okay and she’s over Gemma.

But how long can it last? The cracks are there and I’m feeling threatened and directing the blame squarely at Gemma for daring to try to get Kelly back.

In fact, I’m suddenly livid! I need to let off some steam:

She (Gemma)…

Yeah, fuming!

I can imagine myself delivering that speech with a lot of emphasis every time I say the word “SHE” — which is a lot.

“Well she won’t get her for a while yet” — again, Teresa, this is a totally healthy attitude and approach. You hang on to that best friend with all you’ve got, do not give up!

The other thing I like is the way I say “Anyway, enough of that” to myself like an uptight school maam from the 1950s.

And also, if you’re curious about what “today’s goings on” were, that was just about how me and Kelly were planning a day out to Doncaster Dome (a huge leisure centre) and I was going to sleep at her house that night too.

Ohmygoodness I’ve just remembered something as I’m writing this. I did stay at Kelly’s. She usually shared a bedroom with her older sister, but the sister was elsewhere for the night. And me and Kelly… read her sister’s diary! Oh crap. What a pair of sneaks! I remember being quite shocked at the things she wrote about... Nothing about who was best friends with who, let me tell you. And not a highly anticipated visit to the power station in sight!

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Wednesday 13th May: “Yesterday a lot of stuff happened”

“I am writing this in bed by torch light” — why do I sound like I’m writing from inside an air raid shelter?

The “stuff” that happened: Kelly knocked on my door to deliver a letter to me… from Gemma! Who was standing at the gate, looking sheepish (I like to think).

It was essentially an apology letter, which lucky for us I copied this out in my diary so you’ll see it in sec.

But what will eclipse anything that Gemma wrote in the letter, is what I did with the letter: After copying it out, I took it upon myself to correct her spelling. Just for me. No one else would see it. I didn’t pass it back onto Gemma, I did it purely for my own enjoyment.

Is that a bit weird? It seems a bit weird.

If you know me in real life it’ll probably make sense considering I’ve worked as proof reader before and I’m an editor / ghostwriter now. So you know when people say things are ‘on brand’ for them? Copying a letter and correcting the spelling was really on brand for me.

Embarassingly, not all of my corrections are correct. Including the spelling of my own name. I must have been in a rush, delighted to be feeling so superior. I might not have a hairstyle, Gemma, but at least I can spell! Ish.

In case it isn’t universal, “agrow” means aggro, as in short for aggravation, which we used to mean hassle.

And when Gemma writes “But I know I can’t be!” at the end of her letter, I assume she means she knows she can’t be Kelly’s best friend again.

Too bloody right, Gemma! I think, my iron-clad grip on Kelly getting tighter.

Oh, Teresa. They delivered the letter together…

But it’s not game over just yet, because Gemma has finally found herself a new best friend! “At last me and Kelly got her off our backs” I write.

Hm, I wouldn’t speak too soon, because it sounds like Gemma is changing her tactics:

Have you no shame, Gemma?!

And yet, there are signs I’m getting a bit worn down by it all. Kind of.

That’s it, Teresa: you keep on!

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Thursday 14th May: “I’m confused”

I must warn you, this next photo is the last I say in my diary about this whole best friends drama.

I know, there’s been a lot of build up, and I spent a lot of time both in 1992 and now here in 2023 talking about this, so I want to prepare you for the not-very-neat ending.

Here’s the last thing I say:

But even though I don’t give any further updates, I imagine that my silence after this page was telling: I am pretty sure that Kelly and Gemma got back together after this. Sad face.

The signs were all there, weren’t they?

You did your best, Teresa, you did your best.

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I'll leave you with the very last thing I said at the end of Thursday’s entry:

“Pubertal talk”: where they siphoned off all the girls into the assembly hall and told us about periods, then we went back into the classroom all cocky like we’d been told the secrets of the universe and there was no way the boys were ever gonna find out.

So I didn’t write in my diary for about a week after this, and when I did, it was to announce I had a boyfriend, which was totally out of character, and this ‘relationship’ was also totally doomed in a hilarious way. You will, of course, hear all about that in a future letter.

To make sure you get that letter and any others, please do subscribe, it really helps, and if you enjoyed this, tell your friends — but only the ones who support you regardless of whether or not you have a “hairstyle”.

Oh and I almost forgot — in amongst all of that week’s drama, I did my best to stay positive:

Until next time,

Teresa x

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